Crack Pairings
by control x alt x delete
Summary: A bunch of experimental crack pairings for me and my friend Karasu Chiyuki's difficult-to-write pairing game. LATEST CHAPTER: Dei Inner Saku - In a Dream
1. ShikaHina: From Hinata

**Before any of you go and say that I stole this from deviantART/someone on deviantART stole this from me, my username on deviantART is Clayy-Bird. If you saw it there, that means that it was posted by me anyway.** **Thank ya.**

Checking to make sure that no one would see me, I pulled a small, decorated envelope out of my pocket. It was simple, but I thought the simplicity of it gave it a special quality of some sort. Just a plain white envelope with "From Hinata" written in the most delicate cursive I could manage. _Today is the day,_ I had decided. _Today was the day that I would finally tell him. Today he would finally_ know.  
But the more I thought about it... the less likely it seemed that he would like me back... his thoughts were always elsewhere, on somewhere else. It made tears collect in my eyes, and I quickly blinked them away. _No._ I told myself sternly. _You must tell him now. You have the courage, Hinata. You can do it._ A simple thought; but it gave me a lot more confidence. I nodded quietly to myself, and, checking to make sure the coast was clear once again, I pulled the ribbon out of my hair.  
Yes—that day I was wearing a ribbon in my hair, to shake things up a little. _And also in hopes to impress him.._ a voice chimed in my head, making me blush. Shaking away my embarrassment, I tie a simple bow around the envelope. There; it was complete.  
As I pull myself to my feet, noticing a deer standing but a few feet away from me. It was a deer that often came to visit me as I came to this cozy part of the forest, so it didn't surprise me that he had shown up today. Carefully I approached the deer, petting his head gently once I was near enough. He nuzzled me back in response, and I smiled shyly.  
Something was different about him, today. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes as he went to rub his head against his hand. All of the sudden, I noticed the envelope had been whisked out of my hands. Panicking for a moment, I spun around. There was no one in sight. I turned back to face the deer, realizing that the ribbon had gotten caught in the deer's antlers. Or, rather, it seemed, the deer had gotten the ribbon stuck in his antlers on purpose.  
I curse under my breath, which is very unlike me. "Shika!" I whisper, not wanting to attract attention. "I don't want to play right now! Come back!" I shout, unable to control myself as he bounds off into the forest, and I go chasing after him.

I love the forest when it's like this. The silence is such a wonderful thing. It distracts you from the world and all its problems, if only for a moment. And the clouds... well—they only make nature that much more beautiful.  
I close my eyes for a while, just listening to branches cracking in the distance, most likely as animals nearby stepped on them. The tree branches swayed in the wind, and angry voices could be heard in the distance. It almost ruined the serenity of it all, but—angry voices!?  
I shoot up to a sitting position, annoyed that someone had the nerve to ruin my me-time. And besides—this was the Nara forest. There shouldn't have been anyone else in here.  
I tensely examine my surroundings, waiting for a sign that would give away the intruder's location. A bush moves, and I wait, as silent as I can manage.  
Much to my surprise, I see one of the Nara's deer trot out of the bushes, looking rather triumphant. On his antlers was what appeared to be a letter, tied on with a ribbon. I walk over to Gaki (that's what I named the deer, because he really is a brat) and untied the ribbon from his antlers.  
Just as I finish reading the letter inside, Hinata emerges from the bushes, panting. When she sees that I am holding her letter, her faces flushes beet red.  
"Sh-Sh-Shikamaru-kun!" is all she manages to say. I can see how embarrassed she is by the look in her eyes, but all I do is shake my head. "Hinata. You should have just told me sooner."  
"S-Sorry, Shikamaru-kun.." she mumbles. I gesture for her to join me under a tree to watch the clouds, and not knowing what to do, she complies.

"I never understood how beautiful the clouds were." Hinata says, sounding amazed.  
"It took me a while to figure out. They're just so carefree." I respond with a sigh. "Sometimes I wish I was a cloud."  
"But if you were a cloud, Shikamaru-kun, I wouldn't have a cloud-watching companion." she complains gently, looking at me with large, puppy-dog eyes.  
I smile at her response and wrap my arm around her shoulders. She seems surprised at first, but after a while she wiggles closer to my side and points at the sky. "You know what that cloud looks like?"  
"What?" I ask, following her finger into the sky.  
"A heart."  
"You think it's a sign?"  
"Could be."  
It's silent for a few minutes, when out of the blue, Hinata leans forward to kiss me. "I love you, Shikamaru-kun." she murmurs when she breaks the kiss.  
I'm too shocked to respond, but she smiles anyway, and I turn my attention back into the sky. The heart-shaped cloud is gone by now, but Hinata's here, and that's all that mattered.


	2. KisaSaku: You Smell Like Fish

"What's wrong, Hinata?" I ask, concerned, noticing that Hinata was hardly touching her lunch. "I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."  
She looks up from staring at the ground, and attempts a smile. "Oh.. it really is delicious, Sakura-chan. Thank you for inviting me to your picnic."  
I sigh and set my sandwich down on my lap. Something's bothering Hinata; I've known her long enough that I can tell. "What's bothering you? You know you can tell me."  
Hinata hesitates, like she wants to deny it, but after a while she looks off into the distance. "As you know, tomorrow's my birthday.."  
"Of course! You're upset that nobody's gotten you a present, right?" I exclaim suddenly, thinking I had guessed it already.  
"No, no." she responds shyly. "It's Naruto-kun. I don't think he'll remember.. I doubt he'd even bring me a present at all even if he remembered." she sighs.  
"Oh. Is that all?" I ask, with what I hope is a reassuring smile.  
"Y-yeah, Sakura-chan." Hinata turns to face me, like she knows I'm plotting something.  
For a while it's silent, and I begin to think that conversation would be near impossible when she asks, "Umm.. Sakura-chan?"  
"Yeah?"  
"You won't... tell anybody, will you? Especially not Naruto-kun?" I nod and, finishing my sandwich, rise to my feet. "Don't worry, Hinata. I'm sure Naruto will come to his senses."  
Hinata smiles and nods, probably to give herself more confidence. "Thank you, Sakura-chan."  
But I don't hear her, because I'd already dashed off into the forest.

The next day, I'm standing just outside the Hyuuga compound, just out of sight behind a tree. What I'm about to do is risky, but I can't stand to see Hinata without a smile on her face. I decide to carry through with my plan, and swiftly transform into the perfect image of Naruto. I pull a sunflower out of my pocket, take a deep breath, and walk to the entrance of the Hyuuga mansion.  
As I'm about to knock, I feel a sharp pain at my side, like a thousand jagged spikes are being jabbed into my side. I let out a wail, and then everything goes black.

My head is throbbing, and I can't open my eyes... what happened?  
"Sorry, Itachi-san. I snagged the wrong one. She was using a transformation jutsu, so she did look like the Jinchuuriki brat." a voice says in hushed tones.  
"Idiot," another mutters, "you should have been able to rule her out by her chakra. Hers is nothing like the Kyuubi's."  
"Again, Itachi-san. My apologies."  
"Never mind. Since you can't seem to accomplish such a simple task, I'll go and get him this time. What the girl, we could use her as a hostage if it doesn't work out."  
I finally manage to get my eyes open, and the first thing I see is a giant... shark thing staring at me. "SHARK!"I scream and jump backwards, squeezing my eyes closed in pain as my head throbs even more.  
"If I had a yen every time I heard that one." the shark growled.  
I warily open one eye to examine my surroundings. It looks as though I'm in a cave overlooking Konoha, and the only one in here with me is the shark dude. I can tell by his cloak that he's from Akatsuki, and that this is dangerous. Being injured and taken hostage by an Akatsuki member in a cave is not the best scenario you can imagine.  
"W-Who are you?" I ask, trying to act as scared and innocent as possible. Slowly I pull myself to my feet, leaning on the wall for support.  
"That's not important." he scoffs, crossing his arms. At least he doesn't have fin things. He turns to look outside over the city of Konoha, and that's when I decide to run at him.  
I had originally intended to punch him in the face, but I never got that far. Halfway across the cave, the pain from the wound on my side shot through my entire body, forcing me to collapse on the smooth, rocky floor. I hear the enemy shuffle closer to me and growl, "Watch it. If you keep doing that, you'll bleed to death. And dead hostages aren't much help."  
I look down at my side, where my clothes are stained crimson with blood. I move my hand over to try and heal it, but I don't have enough energy. I let my hand fall back to the ground.  
Once the pain subsided, I manage to raise to a standing position. This time I have no desire to attack him. I just want to go see what the city looks like from so high up. On my way to the ledge, I step on a loose rock and fall right on top of the Akatsuki member.  
He looks shocked for a moment, but he makes no move to push me off. By now I'm totally sapped of any energy I had, so I shuffle into a sitting position on his lap and close my eyes. His skin feels really nice, because today just happened to be a really warm day in the Fire country. And since he's part fish or part shark or part whatever he is, he feels cold to the touch. I nuzzle up against him, trying to get more coldness from him. "What's your name, girl?" he asks after a moment.  
"Sakura." I reply, my eyes still closed. "What's yours?"  
He hesitates before responding. "Kisame."  
"Kisame..." I murmur, just before drifting off to sleep. "You smell like fish."  
I'm guessing that he made some sort of face, but it didn't matter. I was just so... happy.

Hearing Naruto's voice outside her door, Hinata skipped over to the door and slid it open. She looked around for a moment, disappointed, before noticing the sunflower on the ground in front of the door. Bending down to pick it up, she smiled in the direction of the sky. _He remembered! Thank you so much, Sakura-chan!_ Hinata spun in an ecstatic circle before sliding the door closed and skipping to her room. Somehow, she knew. Naruto had gotten her a present for her birthday.  
And it was, most indefinitely, the best present she'd even gotten.


	3. HidanTen: Stranger Danger

This was it. This was... _it_. The weapon convention. Somewhere I'd only ever dreamed of going before. I stood there for a while, just staring at the building at which it would take place, awestruck.  
Finally out of my daze, I turned to my companion and gave him a huge squeeze. "Thank you _so_, much, Neji!"  
Neji shrugged out of my embrace and sighed. "Yes, well. Enjoy yourself, Tenten. The rest of us are going to go see a movie."  
I frowned, and glanced at the tickets I had in my hand. "But I have two tickets. Who am I supposed to bring with me?" Neji, Lee, and Gai-sensei were always doing that. Going somewhere and leaving me out.  
Neji shrugged. "I don't know. But it's not until tomorrow. So you'll have time to go find a companion." Without another word, he turned and disappeared down the sidewalk.  
_Great. Who am I supposed to bring now?_ I thought bitterly.

I was walking through the streets of Konoha, trying to think of somebody, _anybody_, that I could take with me. None of my galfriends had any interest in weapons, and all my guyfriends were probably off doing something else with each other. I kicked a rock on the street in frustration. It just wasn't fair.  
I watched the rock bounce off the ground several times before hitting someone's leg and skittering to a stop. I looked up to see who it was that the rock had hit. And that was when I saw it.  
The guy had a huge weapon hanging from his shoulder. A magnificent, long-but-skinny pole with three claw-like blades jutting out from the top part. It looked like a deadly weapon, and the people around him could tell. They kept a good five feet away from him, creating a moving circle of empty space around him. It was then that I decided, _He's the one I'm taking to the convention._  
"Hey!" I bounded up to the stranger, penetrating the circle of space around him. "Nice scythe!"  
"The hell're you?" He responded, not particularly interested. He seemed to be annoyed, in fact.  
"I was just admiring your scythe." I said, wanting to get a closer look.  
"Does it look like I give a damn?" he growled. _Stranger danger!_ a voice chimed in my head, but I decided to ignore it.  
"Umm... well, anyway. I have an extra ticket to the weapon convention and I wanted to know if you'd go with me." I asked, hopeful.  
"Why the hell do you think I'd want to go with you?" His response made me think that I was wasting my time.  
"Sorry for bothering you." I muttered, staring down at the ground. The stranger stepped around me and walked down the street.  
"If you change your mind, I'll be waiting in front of the entrance!" But he was already gone.

The next day, I arrived in front of the building half an hour early, in hopes the man would come anyway. I wouldn't want to have to spend today alone while everyone else went to see movies or something.  
Five minutes passed.  
Then ten.  
Then twenty.  
And eventually, thirty. And there was no sign of the man I had invited.  
Sighing, I rose to my feet when the line to get in dissipated. Still the man didn't appear. I didn't want to go anymore. Not alone. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and started the lonely journey home in the rain.  
"Where's the free ticket you offered me earlier, girl?" I turned to see the man, frowning as usual. But he was here, which meant I wouldn't be alone. I handed him his ticket and smiled. "You came!"  
"Chh." The man turned his head. "Not for you. I need some polish for my scythe that can only be bought at these damned conventions."  
It wasn't the response I was hoping for, but it worked for me.  
I needed some polish for my weapons, anyway.


	4. ToraTema: Paradise

"Awwwwwww, Gaara, can we keep 'im? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" I have to find a way to convince him to let us keep this cat.  
"Temari, what are we going to do with a cat?" It's not exactly the nicest cat in the world... an off-brown with lots of tufts of fur missing, like she's going through a mid-life crisis.  
"Well... it's a cat. Feed it, groom it... play with it?" And what's with that red ribbon on its ear? That'll have to go.  
"Temari... and where did you say you found this cat?" You can just tell that this cat is a runaway.  
"I dunno. I just found her in the bag full of documents we were supposed to bring back." The poor thing must have been hiding.  
"Very well... but you two will have to take care of it. I'll have nothing to do with it."  
Kankuro groans, but I emerge from the Kazekage's office, victorious.  
"Isn't this the most adorable cat you've ever seen?" I ask Kankuro, holding the cat out at him so he can get a closer look.  
"Not really." he responds indifferently as he proceeds to walk down the hallway. "You're taking care of it though. After all, it's your cat."  
I'm totally fine with that. I wasn't actually planning on sharing... oh, yes. I haven't given her a name yet.  
"Kyouto," I decide aloud. Rebel. Just what this cat is. A cat that wasn't afraid to run away from its owner and explore the world for herself.

"So, Kyouto, what would you like to watch?" This has got to be one of the best time-wasters in the world. Me and my newly-named cat, just hanging out in the living room, watching TV.  
"Alright. But after this we're watching car chases." She mews in response while I'm going over the channels, and I select channel 37. One of my personal favourites.

"G'night, Kyouto." I yawn, before letting my eyes slip close. Kyouto walks over and curls up next to my head, to keep me company, I guess.  
It's official. Best cat in the world.

"Awwwwwww, Gaara, can we keep 'im? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" Yes. Yes. Yes.  
"Temari, what are we going to do with a cat?" Keep me far, far away form that horrible woman back at Konoha.  
"Well... it's a cat. Feed it, groom it... play with it?" Yes, that sounds nice... and I rather dislike this ribbon.  
"Temari... and where did you say you found this cat?" Never mind that.  
"I dunno. I just found her in the bag full of documents we were supposed to bring back." That doesn't matter!  
"Very well... but you two will have to take care of it. I'll have nothing to do with it."  
YES! I'M FREE FROM THAT DREADFUL WOMAN IN KONOHA!  
"Isn't this the most adorable cat you've ever seen?" That guy looks like he has cat ears.  
"Not really." He even walks like a cat... "You're taking care of it though. After all, it's your cat."  
Good. I don't want to be anywhere near cat-boy.  
"Kyouto," Mm, that's a nice name. Rebel. I guess she must have figured out that I ran away.

"So, Kyouto, what would you like to watch?" Man, these people have a _huge_ TV. Discovery! They're doing a show on cats that's a must-see, rated five paws.  
"Alright. But after this we're watching car chases." Fine by me. Car chases are cool.

"G'night, Kyouto." That pillow looks really soft. Just to be sure, I go to test it out. Temari—I think that's her name—makes no move to push me away. I try to smile, but I'm not sure if that's possible when you're a cat.  
It's official. Best owner in the world.


	5. ZabuHana: Ladies First

"Now, class, if you studied for this exam, you should do fine. Now I must remind you that cheating will not be tolerated, and if you are caught... blah, blah, blah." I look up from my exam and grimace at the prof, who just can't seem to shut up. And most of the time when he goes on one of his talking spiels, it's not even _about_ anything. Just a reminder about how "our generation doesn't give a damn about our education" and how  
"proud he is that we're all in his classroom." I mean, seriously, man. Get to the friggin' point, already.  
And the way he gives us an exam practically every damn week is pretty annoying too. LIFE ISN'T ALL ABOUT STUDYING, MR. FORCE-MY-STUDENTS-TO-DO-NOTHING-BUT-STUDY-THEIR-WHOLE-COLLEGE-CAREER. What, does, he think that we haven't got anything better to do? If I had my way, we'd have one big test at the end of the course, and that would be that. No having to stay up until two in the morning every night to study... no having to consume hundreds of energy drinks to keep your damn eyes open... no more excessive bloody tests. Man, that would be the li—  
"...and as proud as I am that you are all here in my classroom to help build your education, this exam is worth a hefty 20% of your grade. I should hope that none of you will have to repeat this course next term. And you may... begin."  
A sudden blast of pencils frantically scratching against paper shakes me from my thoughts. I return my attention to the various numbers and symbols spread out on my exam. I almost want to wonder if I've gone dyslexic as the characters fly around on the page, unable to sit still, making my head hurt like hell. There's no way in bloody hell I can pass this thing.  
I casually lean over to look at the guy adjacent to me's paper. I don't have to worry about getting caught because the prof is practically blind when it comes to the students in the back of the room, but before I begin to scribble down the guy's answers, I check to see who it is writing. First thing you learn in cheating 101. A newbie, it looks like—this is the first time I've seen him. It's probably not a good idea to copy these guy's answers, since I know nothing about him, but as I survey the area around me, I have to scowl. Everyone else around me is an air-headed idiot, which I know for a fact, so I guess the newbie will have to do.  
I guess I'm so good at cheating, the guy doesn't even notice me.

"Hey, newbie." I call out when the class finally ends. It's only common courtesy to thank the person whose answers you took—although indirectly, of course. You don't want to blow your cover.  
"The hell do you want?" he demands, turning to look at me, clearly irritated. Upon closer inspection, I notice he's kinda cute.  
"You wanna go see a movie, or some'm'? I hear the new Naruto movie's pretty good." Casual, as usual.  
"Sure... whatever." As he finishes stuffing his books and such back into his bag, he rises to a standing position, obviously wanting to leave, but not wanting to look rude. (or too, rude, anyway.)  
"Tonight," I decide, "at seven. My treat."  
"Great." he mutters unenthusiastically, turning toward the exit.  
"What a polite guy," I mutter to myself, trying to recall the name he wrote on his test. Zabu...no? Zabu...ki...? Pfft... I really don't know. Although I suppose it doesn't really matter. But, man, has he ever got bad hand-writing.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" I ask innocently.  
"You kinda just did." Ahh, so he's a technical guy.  
"Well, another one. How is one supposed to kiss you when you have those annoying bandages all over your face?"  
"One doesn't." Zabu-some'm' responds boredly. "I'm a lone wolf."  
_"Really."_ By this time I've already devised a plan to make him ditch the bandages.  
On the way to the movie theatre, there just so happens to be this bench right in front of this pond. Part 1 of the plan was to experience some sudden "fatigue" and demand to rest on the bench. Part 2 was to... well—you'll see.  
"Zabu-kun, I'm tired," I announce as I flop down on the bench. "Can we rest a while?"  
"Fine," he grumbles, sitting down next to me. "But if we don't hurry we're going to miss the beginning of the movie."  
"Forget the mo—oi!" Just as I went to push Zaku-some'm' into the pond, he dodged and pushed me into the water instead. I rose to the surface with what I imagine was an I-am-not-amused expression.  
Zabu-some'm' just smiles—or at least I think he does, it's hard to tell with those bandages—and offers his hand out to me. "Come on, man. That's the oldest trick in the book, and you _fell_ for it!" I laugh as I pull on his arm, forcing him into the water.  
"That's just sad," he shook his head playfully. "Having to resort to such pitiful attacks."  
I shake my head and splash some water in his eyes in response.

"You don't fight fair," he complains, quietly taking off his bandages wrapped around the bottom of his face.  
"Yeah, yeah. You can send me the gold medal later," I blink in curiosity as the last of the bandages are removed, and he tosses them inside the nearby garbage bin. "So, mister lone wolf, why do you wear those bandages anyway?"  
"Cuz," he responds simply. It's silent for a moment.  
"You know, you owe me one." I say. "For pulling me into the pond."  
"Yeah? Well, you know you were thinking about it first." Zabu-some'm' responds, turning to look at me uninterestedly.  
"Well..." I pause to think. "You got me wet first. And everyone knows that ladies go first."  
"Fine then. You can do anything to want to me, as long as it's reasonable, first, and then I can get you back." he shrugs indifferently. "Sound fair?"  
"Sounds fair." I agree, and I can tell he gets impatient as I think of the ultimate punishment for him."  
"Ahem?" he raises an eyebrow. "We've got a movie to see."  
At long last, I get an idea. I turn to face Zabu-some'm' and lean forward to kiss him—not too spontaneously, cuz mister lone wolf may not be comfortable with my idea, and after a brief moment pull away. "Your turn."  
Zabu-some'm' pauses to reflect for a moment, and then announces, "I got it." For a moment, I'm unsure of what he's planned, and then I feel his lips at mine—not at all as gentle as before—and then his tongue somehow sneaking into my mouth. Still somewhat astonished, I return the kiss, which had, in a matter of seconds, grown very passionate.  
Eventually, though, he pulls away, and I can tell that he's embarrassed. "Sorry," he mutters."  
"Not at all." I smirk, before pushing him back into the pond, just for the heck of it.


	6. DeiInnerSaku: In a Dream

You came to me in a dream  
And as crazy as it sounds  
I think you've bought an apartment  
And moved into my head.

Focus is impossible to come by  
Because you're all my mind wants to know  
All my mind wants to _hear_  
And it's tearing me apart from everything I already have.

Sometimes I just want you to disappear  
But regret comes soon afterwards  
And I have to see you again  
To make it all up to you.

Enough is enough.

I'm leaving this unfaithful village  
That was never really my home 'cause  
"Home is where the heart is"  
And my heart is wherever you are.

The scratch on my headband  
Is a reminder that this is it  
And that I have to find you  
If it kills me.

Every night is the same—  
Rushing off to the land of reverie  
Hoping that when I wake up  
I'll see strands of gold and pink hair  
Entwining on the face of my pillow.


End file.
